Hey! Love Hard. It is Rare, Special & Independent. So keep Loving.

In this world of chaos, where we haunted by money, struggle, hatred and many more factors, but in between so many factors to consider, I would say music has been my booster dose, to deal life. So there is this track by Chord Overstreet – Hold On, this track reaches my soul so deeply that I cannot explain exactly the love I feel inside me . The song says it all, everything.

Hold On

Loving and fighting, Accusing Denying, I can’t imagine a world with you gone, The joy and the chaos, the demons we’re made of, I’d be so lost if you left me alone , You locked yourself in the bathroom , Lying on the floor when I break through , I pull you in to feel your heartbeat, Can you hear me screaming, “Please don’t leave me”?

Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you
Let me take your hand, I’ll make it right
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you

Long endless highway
You’re silent beside me
Driving a nightmare I can’t escape from
Helplessly praying
The light isn’t fading
Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones

They took you away on a table
I pace back and forth as you lay still
They pull you in to feel your heartbeat
Can you hear me screaming, “Please don’t leave me”?

Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you
Let me take your hand, I’ll make it right
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you

I don’t wanna let go
I know I’m not that strong
I just wanna hear you
Saying baby, let’s go home
Let’s go home
I just wanna take you home

Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you

Each and every word of this song above means so much to me. It makes me realize how much I love him, it makes me realize the depth of his hold over me, if he reads this , he won’t like it may be , cause he wants me to be strong , and I understand him, but I don’t feel bad about this, in fact it is the very opposite, it makes me known myself , my capacity to love someone so madly, that if I could I would shower every happiness of the world and beyond in front of him, I know it sounds dramatic and cheesy but it is the truth. I know the future is unpredictable, today I’m feeling this way , tomorrow I may not feel the same , my heart may break tomorrow, still , I would know that I loved him with all my heart and all he did for me , was pure and out of care and love. Secondly, I believe he won’t be harsh to me unnecessarily, there will be a reason for any hard step if taken in any time in the future. I even know everything in this universe changes , so even may his heart change in the future, but it is ok by me if at the end he is just happy, cause he deserves all the happiness and love of this universe and his happiness is mine too. I will keep loving him and would continue living my dreams and my life.

You may feel me to be immature, blinded by love, but I am not blinded. Love empowers me in my life, love is my wings , that encourages me to fly high and live my life on my own terms and this is exactly why I won’t ever hate him, cause the time with him and the love I receive from him is the best I’ve ever got. So I love him and he deserves the whole of it.

He has many ass paining qualities too, but then though it doesn’t matter . I am a part of him and he is a part of me and that is plenty for me. I may live separate, eat separate and sleep separate but these factors doesn’t makes anything any less instead it feels awesome and it grows deeper.

Thus this song says it all. Love may make you vulnerable yet it will make you the strongest forever. I feel powerful cause I know I can love with all of me and my heart, which is rare.

So readers , keep loving cause it is the most humane quality that one may ever possess in this world.

-monami41/1B, 3/4/2022

Choices have consequences, so did you make a good one or a bad?

Every choices we make follow up to certain circumstances. Some choices are made with reasonable facts of wellbeing , some choices are made with the intention of protecting someone, some choices are made out of emotions. Clouded by so many factors one forgets that one choice brings about many possibilities , everything cannot be controlled or calculated from before. We lie to protect emotions, We hide to keep a secret, sometime these choices of lying and hiding have positive impacts , does good, and sometimes it breaks people apart, create chaos in the circle, entangles situation so deep that it goes out of your hand, it gets out of your control to repair. So if you make a choice to lie , to hide or even to say, think before doing anything. Do not rush with words and actions, take your time.

Sharing with you, to loose the burden I carry in my heart and mind.

A certain feeling of hopelessness gave me the thought of ending my life. My mind was crazy enough to try to convince me that once I was dead all the pressure and distress feeling inside my head would vanish magically, for a second or two I was convinced that I would be in peace from the chaos of my life, I didn’t even question my existence at that particular moment.

Your mind plays these strange games. It is filled with thoughts. If your mind is not occupied with a load of work , it will surely be the home for thoughts. Thoughts relating to something or the other. My brain in particular stays so much crowded with thoughts, some thoughts encourages me to write, some turns me sad , some thoughts gives me hope to live and some makes me retire to bed all day and watch movies. I am someone who would want to live a simple life. A life with no complications , a little bit of money for my small happiness’s and a bit of peace. But unfortunately , my life has been nothing as such. I may have a shelter and my grandmother to pampers me endlessly and she is that someone whom I can still look up to. But what will happen to me after she is gone?! It terrifies me . I will be lost. I have no clue how to manage my clueless life. Yes, I am feeling exactly hopeless again. Clueless about my purpose of existence, clueless about my life and to move towards exactly which direction. I know I will suffer at great extent but I know this too, that, that moment when my beloved grandma will not be around , that period of time will be the phase of my vulnerability, when people around me will try to harm me the most, manipulate me, try to control my life and cause a havoc. But just think about it , writing about something that will happen in the future, I am preparing myself for the worst and at the same time feeling pathetic, thinking that I will not have the freedom to express my grief , my weakness cause I know once they find me vulnerable they will harm me havoc from which I will not be able to return back.

I hate it, these kind of situations forces me to separate from everyone I know, stay aloof from everyone , stay away from pretending to tolerate them around me . Such situations instigates me to ask them to leave my life , leave me alone and never to bother me again. I hate few people and unable to abuse them openly takes my peace away . I know it is cruel to shame or abuse someone, but me, here, I am a victim along with my rest of the siblings. The ones you consider close to you or are your family , those individuals in particular intends to give you the utmost of pain in your life, thus as a result, if my siblings distances themselves from the people who are their family, I won’t stop them. I can understand the pain they carry but they are stronger than me , yes, they are lot more stronger than me and I expect them to be happy , even if that requires leaving everything behind and moving on.

If you are still reading this , by now you will know that I am blaming my family or someone very close to me as the destroyer of my life and peace, and you are right, I am. Though I know blaming someone for things that happened in my life won’t give me any peace, but I am not being able to avoid the facts that makes one responsible. I myself is not that righteous and mature, I know , but the person responsible for my downfall is someone whose duty was to protect me , give me and my siblings the best life. But guess what happened instead we are three more pathetic victims among the million more in this world. We are no different. I feel lost at this moment. I am not this upset usually, such frustration regarding my family took place after quiet a time. It was just one conversation that triggered me and here I am out bursting my soul out.

Thank you guys for listening to me. Writing helps. I hope I didn’t disappoint you and please do not judge me, it is just that, we all look for a way, to let it out.

Random Thought #102

It is strange and weird that how people feel that they own certain lives around them. This thought of ownership allows them to torture people according to their convenience, to manipulate the action of others as per their wishes. They may not have committed any murder or theft or kidnapping but everyone has to know manipulation, domestic torture is also a crime. A crime that is still not recognized as a crime in many places , in many societies or in families. Even a small bit of manipulation is a crime, you need to raise your voice in the family as well as in the public place wherever you witness it. Life is precious it should be valued. Your life is in your own hands and you need to value it, live it, cherish it. I can understand , it is hard, it is a torture and a struggle and a fight against your own emotions and feelings , but remember you didn’t take birth to suffer or get tortured by others, learn to stand for yourself , be wise be clever. I won’t suggest for violence until necessary , sometimes a stable voice , some wise steps is enough to do good for ourselves. I hope my words inspires you and helps you to love yourself and live for yourself.

My random Thoughts 101

Photo by Fedor Yakubovich on Pexels.com

7th November 2021

Most of the people these days feel that they know all of the person in front of their eyes. But I feel human attitude is unpredictable, in reality we know no one. We can’t always assume that a person will be in a certain way forever or in that moment. They can come up doing something unexpected, that we can hardly imagine. My own thoughts varies from time to time, my own attitude varies from people to people , situation wise then how can I assume or think that this time I chose right. There is no correct option to choose, as nothing remains good-good forever. I can’t, cause I know human behavior is not certain and cannot be predictable, that is why going with the flow is better. We should be prepared to take the required step at a required situation and this method seems to be fair and good. Here there is none to blame, people we love can change too, as everything in this universe changes. Change is the only constant in the whole universe and this theory works both ways, negative or positive. It is just that whatever people do they need to do it upfront to keep the air clear around them. Not everytime but sometimes it is okkey to accept and say out loud that you have changed and you love me no more and you are sorry about it. Being this way things may not be all good-good but still it won’t be all worst.

Life, as we know it.

Photo by Nancy Bourque on Pexels.com

Life! Life is a bit of everything. Sometimes it too much too. But one will agree, inspite of the terrific pressure, tensions, worries, we will find small moments, of happiness in our daily life. Those moments can be of just few seconds, yet I will be happy to have any such moments in my life where things or people around me will just make me happy effortlessly and naturally.

Sometimes life becomes monotonous. It is like from home to work and then again from work to home. Yes, this is how exactly our life becomes, repititive and boring. Life becomes quiet frustrating , our minds often remain exhausted and blocked due to the monotonousness. That is why we should be living mentally and physically healthy life. This is the exact reason we need to plan our day. Yes planning, here, it is not about planning the future or anything enormous. It is just to have small plans for the day. Instead of spending too much time on our past or future, what we can do is plan our present, nothing can stop us from doing that. It is our life , we may get attacked by uncertainties but that is a topic we should later concern ourselves with when the uncertainty tends to appear till then we can plan for our present day’s schedule. At least we can try before saying it won’t work. Can we? Yes , I am positive , we surely can. This step will surely be the first step to be out of the box and a good way to try to do something new and good everyday in our life.

I personally dream to have a healthy life like I have explained above and along with the dreaming, I do try to maintain a life like that, that’s is why in spite of the fact that life is busy and hectic I do land up buying myself some time in the midst of serenity and nature. Though I agree it really requires some self motivation to have a day in the midst of nature just for myself yet I would never regret about taking up my lazy ass out of my house to be in between mother nature and her serenity.

Sometimes while returning home following the same way everyday, it no less makes me feel like a robot, riding through the same streets every single day. So recently I did change my route , now I often do that , change my route and take the other way to home just to skip the feeling or to avoid the feeling of having a dull life. Though my way to make a career is not at all dull, still it can make you feel that way at times, when you get loaded with work in your head. It is life you see, the road is not at all smooth but anyway it goes on.

We ourselves are so much complicated , we are often confused, we always have something or the other to complain about, we crave to have all of the pleasures that exist in this realm, which we cannot have according to the rule of this universe and we fight with all kind of emotions that gets to us due to different kind of circumstances. I may seem crazy, but what I mean to say is – Life is complicated we know that but along with that we ourselves are a complication too.” We, ourselves, are the greatest puzzle that we try to solve without fail and mess up many things along the way”. Sometimes I feel to cry aloud craving , praying and wishing life to be a bit easy emotionally and others ways too, I just wish to care less, think less, get bothered less but alas! I can only crave these things, but can’t be anything less, as it is kind of my nature, that makes me suffer in different ways, has been making me suffer from the very start, it has been this pattern, but giving up fighting with these complications in myself will be like giving up breathing and hugging death with open arms. That is why we need to keep going on in spite of the mistakes we make along the way. So yes, life will be ok, it will be ok, just take a long deep breathe and let the thing disturbing your mind go.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Do today what others won’t so tomorrow you can do what others can’t.” – Jerry Rice

“Just keep going like crazy and look back when it’s over. Otherwise, you just get confused.” – Cliff Burton

“Life has got all those twists and turns. You’ve got to hold on tight and off you go.” – Nicole Kidman.

Love is an ever lasting realization that you have for someone you love.

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Pexels.com

The wind was blowing so cold,
That summer evening.
Yes, it was a stormy evening,
With few drops of rain falling from the sky ,
The road was shinning dark, after being washed by the rain,
Giving the exact wet smell and freshness after a drizzle.
It was a Cool, comforting  and romantic weather 
When I craved for the warmth of love and care
Wishing someone to hug me wrapping around the arms
Someone to make me feel safe
There he was,
Mutually involved in the affair of romanticism,
Spending some time of togetherness.

It was the most special night of my life. Though I struggled with various complications at that time, was not fully done with the past, yet I felt different.

It was the beginning, 

Beginning of a new path, a new journey , a new story. But didn’t realize  until later. In spite of feeling different with him that night, I had my doubts.

How could I easily give in! I was fooled a numerous times, had my choices all wrong at a stretch. I was never ready to give in , I was not ready to accept that He was it. Until I realized in how much water I was exactly drowning into again when I pushed myself away from him trying to escape the complications I had around me.                                                                                                                                           

 I couldn’t, I couldn’t stop caring about him. Whatever I did, he was there at the back of my mind. I realized, I was returning back to the old , messed up track of my past. I tried to survive without having him around me but failed. I realized he kept me grounded. His presence in my life, paved my way towards light, towards success, so I couldn’t keep a piece of myself, or a portion of my heart away from him.                                                                                                                                 

 I knew then, that it doesn’t matter how he felt about me. What mattered is that, how I felt about him. I may not have anything in return, the way I craved, but he will be always there as Someone in my life. I feel free around him, though I shackled my heart with his name, I knew  I was free, he made me feel that way. He has been there like a shadow allowing me to take the leap as I wanted.      What more does one need, he may not give me few things but he gives me things that are priceless and cannot be compared with anything. Thus I stayed.  I am satisfied that even for once in my life, I feel, I took the right decision. I may be at risk but I know this much that it is worth it. I love him a lot and I don’t demand much in return. The rest is to just keep my moves towards my life and career in the move, keep him by my side till the end, until he himself decides to leave towards some other direction.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
― John Joseph Powell,                                                                                                                         

“Let’s look at the bright side of life, even if love has only been a long shot and become evanescent, it may still inspire us if we have the gift to savor the fragrance of the treasured moments of togetherness from memorable times that furtively slipped away. (“Waiting for the smoke signals”)”
― Erik Pevernagie
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